I’m still wobbly

I’m good at dancing around the subject. I’m also good at trying things on for size. I’m an impressionable woman. I almost typed girl and that’s probably the correct noun to use. Sometimes I feel like I can’t call myself a woman yet — for no other reason than that I feel immature.

Life has felt serious for a long, long time, so lately I find myself seeking out people who don’t take themselves, or life, too seriously. I study them, which sounds totally creepy, and practice bringing some levity into my day based off what I observe. It feels so much better this way.

When I said I’m good at dancing around the subject, what I meant to say is that I’m confused and am looking for some personal truths. Here I am, 31 years old, recently married, with a new house and a one-year old food bar (which kind of means a stationary food truck), and I’m still wobbly in who I am — still finding my legs.

I’m waking up to the truth that the past ten years (and beyond that even) have been tough and complex. I know I’m not special — whose life hasn’t been tough and complex? I don’t mean to imply that I’m special here. What I mean to say is that the past few years have been some of the most emotionally complex I’ve yet to come across in life. I told myself early on that I had come to terms with my dad’s sudden death back in 2006. (Again, I’m good at dancing around the subject.) I suppose I am okay — I’m alive, mostly well, able to maintain work, stay warm, feed myself, and all the other luxuries that feel overlooked in this world. But emotionally, I feel like I’ve taken a massive blow that’s taking a lot of work from which to recover.

An unexpected, sudden death leaves one with a lot to think about — it did me anyway. And, of course, like all deaths, a lot of emotions. A lot of questions come up: Did he feel it coming? Did he hurt? Was he scared? Did anyone notice him struggling? Did he die quickly? Please say he died quickly and wasn’t scared. Please say he wasn’t cold or that he didn’t hit his head when he fell. Please take this mental image out of my head. Someone said that a lady ran over to try to help him, but no one was around with CPR knowledge and by the time the ambulance got there, he was gone. I should re-learn that — CPR, that is. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Geez. How can life not feel serious?

Man, I failed miserably here at not taking life too seriously.

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